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U.S. 



COMIK 



HISTRY. 



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COMIK HISTRY, 



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THE AUTHORS 



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JUN 261889 



1889. 

GEO. GREGORY, Pkintek, 

108 & 110 Franklin St., 

Chtcago, III. 



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Copyright, May 25, 1889. 

— by — 

LEON ROBERT. 

(All rights reserved.) 



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STRUGGLE 1. 

i. America was discovered by Christophd 
Colombo, who, being furnished by the Spanish 
sovereigns, Ferdandino and Israbella, with three 
small tug boats, sailed from the port of Palos with 
the object of rinding a short passage by sea to India. 
On his way, he accidentally struck a snag, after- 
wards called America. 

2. He found in this new land real savages, 
who had no ancestors and no shame; and, of whom, 
returning home he refrained to speak the naked 
truth concerning their nudity. 

3. As it was then conjectured that these sav- 
ages originally exodusted from the state of Indiana, 
they received therefore the name of Indians. 

4. When the barbarians met the Christian ad- 
venturers they gave a wild war-whoop; and in their 
own Castle Garden, welcomed Christopho as the 
first emigrant to this country. 

5. Touched with pity at their wretchedness, 
Colombo immediately proceeded with his grand 
distribution of prizes. He attired the fleshy Sachem 
in a stiff-starched duster and a shining beaver; the 
Sachem's boy in a Prince Albert coat that made 
him look like a modern Puck; ensconced a lean 
scalper in the vestige of a vest, and disfigured his 
companion with a pair of laced drawers and sus- 
penders; and clothed the others in similar morsels 
of apparel. 

6. The ludicrous discomfiture of the Indians 
caused the Spaniards to laugh hilariously. 



4 V. S. COM IK HISTRy. 

7. On his fourth voyage to the New World, 
Colombo was wrecked on the coast of Jamaica. 
The Indians not only left him and his men to swell 
up on dried apples and water, but even threatened 
to wienerwurst them. At this crisis, Christopho 
blew his voice through his mustachios, and future 
generations heard him. Above, a little angel wiped 
his nose with his wings, while the other cherubs 
spat in their hands. They brushed the clouds away ; 
turned down the starlight; manoeuvred a dainty 
magic-lantern, and, on the roundness of the moon, 
threw the gorgeous picture of Ben Butler. At this 
glimpse of a 19th Century wonder, the natives 
shook in their skins, fell on their knees, and gave 
the whites promissory notes for more dried apples 
and water. 

8. On his return voyage to Spain, the king and 
queen honored the great discoverer with a profusion 
of smiles and kind words, and, for his own good, 
left him to end his days in poverty. After dieing, 
not caring to live again, he gathered his corpse, 
went to Havana, borrowed a tombstone, and shut 
himself up for life. 

9. Antedating the Indians were the mound- 
builders. Remains of their ancient crockery have 
been brought to light. Numerous fragments of 
codfish balls, entire doughnuts and Boston baked 
beans have been discovered beneath the surface. 

10. Workmen while digging in the deserts of 
Utah for bones of dragons, jackasses, poets and 
mound-builders, to be shipped to the east for fertil- 
izing purposes, have unearthed the mastodonic 
skeleton of Cain and Abel's foster sister. 

11. Only recently, there were excavated in Rhode 
Island the odds and ends of a man supposed to have 
been a prehistoric politician, who had gone to pieces. 



U. S. COMIK HISTRT. 5 

The curiosity was at once donated to the Smithson- 
ian Institute. The several parts being there put 
together, resulted in a freak with the head of a rat 
trying to run away from the body of a cat, followed 
by the tail of a dog. Which ever way it happened, 
the neck was like a frizzled hen, nevertheless. 

12. In Chicago, there were found the relics of 
an old-fashioned mother-in-law, who had evidently 
died of disgust. In her left hand she clutched the 
skull of the husband of her daughter, and, in the 
other grasper, that of her worse half. 

13. The foregoing proofs of the existence of the 
mound builders ought to be true, because the author 
has never been contradicted. 

14. After the retirement of Colombo from the 
discovery business, John Cabot then took his cue. 
Then followed a plague of explorers. Historians 
say so. 

15. If you are acquainted with Balboa and 
Magellan, tell us what you know of them. Did 
they ever exist? Are they dead now? Did they 

discover any body of water? Consult a United 

States history, and find out. 

16. Here is the only incident I can imagine of 
Balboa. One day he had so incurred the anger of 
one of his followers, (a timid little chap,) that the 
latter insinuated that he was a "boa." Incensed, 
Balboa replied: "Am I a bo'? Say you so? How 
do you know? You much mad me. You can say 
no? O! I make you dead go. There! Ho, ho! 
ho, ho!" But the chappie thrashed the bully to 
submission. So. 

17. Next comes the conquest of Mexico by 
Cortez. Having heard by telephonic message of 
the intrusion of the Spaniards, Montezuma seemed 
afraid, but was not. He simply suffered. Meeting 



6 0. S. COMIK HIS TRY. 

his opponent, Cortez looked at him, and gave him a 
cake of soap. Still, to add injury to insult, he spoke 
cruelly to his speechless foe. His words were 
muchly in this thusness: "Thou hast the rarest 
diamonds in the world, and I want them." To 
which the Mexican emperor replied: "Thou art a 
precious jewel of an honest man, and the police may 
kidnap thee." 

1 8. Meanwhile, an admiring cross-eyed Mexi- 
can spinster presented the colossal scullion of the 
Cortez .excursionists with a strange photograph. 
There is every reason to believe that the portraits 
represent the Romeo and Juliet of the Aztecs. Ah, 
me seems, I hear their coo-cooing and their billing, 
— their angui-guish and their die-dieing. 

19. In the meantime, DeSoto was wandering in 
the land of pollywogs and crocodiles, and living on 
a fruit diet. In his peregrinations he discovered the 
Mississippi, and, beholding the humid stream, he 
was wet with tears. He was silent too : his mouth 
being beautifully tied up with green persimmons. 
Also had he his paraphernalias. (What these are, 
I don't know; but he had them, because I imagine 
so.) Finally, worn out to the bottom of his heart 
and pants, he became displeased with himself. He 
thought of how changed he was, how reduced to 
uncomfortable leanness, and how he was an illusion. 
And being deaf, said he aloud to himself: "To think 
of nothing but water to drink, and mayhap to die 
of water on the brains." After making this pun, 
he burst into an explosion of mirth, and died cheer- 
fully. 

20. Among the bravest adventurers of this 
period was Pizarro. It was he, who sent cannon 
boluses to the Incas of Peru, and cured them of 
their distemper. Their fall was his rise. He rose as 



U. S. COMIK HISTRT. 7 

naturally as if he sat on a yeast powder pudding. 
But, as envy provokes the eating of a well-risen 
pudding, so Pizarro fell a victim to his own men. 



STRUGGLE II. 

21. Having mentioned the early explorers, and 
before wallowing knee-deep in the mire of history, 
let us review our country a little. 

22. The United States is the greatest political 
arena, and, in time of peace, the greatest naval 
power of the world. It is also a most economical 
government. It does not believe in wasting any- 
thing, not even gunpowder; and, for that reason, 
seldom protects its citizens abroad. 

23. It comprises such a vast territory that it in- 
cludes Europe in the northeast, Asia in the extreme 
west, and Africa in the south. 

24. The climate of the north is excessively cold, 
except in summer. In the south it is of a tropical, 
intense, hot heatness, and oranges, chestnuts and 
lemonade flourish. Were it not for the heat it 
would not be so warm in summer. 

25. The country is divided into two slices. 
The inhabitants of the north are called Republicans: 
those of the south, Democrats. The Prohibitionists 
only have a name and no local habitation. Con- 
sidering the overproduction of the darlings, should 
the Women-Righters ever gain the ascendency, 
then man, — poor, persecuted man, — farewell! 

26. Politics is a very honest profession, particu- 
larly in America. Lawyers take naturally to it. 
So I am told. 

27. The election inspectors are, as a rule, thor- 
ough mathematicians. They are lightning calcula- 
tors, They possess a wonderful, progressive system 



8 U. S. COMIK HISTRT. 

of adding and substracting, as the case may be. 
Some people, perhaps, would like to learn of them. 

28. Election days are often very lively. I have 
seen at a poll, a patrol wagon, an ambulance and a 
hearse. (The jox here lies in my not joxing at all. 
I meant it.) 

29. Polygamists, dynamiters and Canadian ex- 
plorers are tolerated. (Spoken naturally.) Some- 
times I think this country is too free. (In an un- 
dertone.) So is hell. (Abruptly: in a basso-pro- 
fundio.) 

30. Anent the Mormons. Were you to see a 
husband with his wedlocks and heirs, what would 
you think? That 'tis singular to behold a big unit 
stroll out with his halves and his plurals. There ! I 
have answered for you; kill me, if you will. 

31. The gathering of money-crops is the lead- 
ing pursuit. 

32. Far better were it to teach our girls to chew 
gum, than to raise them with the notion of marry- 
ing some titled humbug. On the other hand, it is 
wrong to educate our youths to scheme, to specu- 
late or to lie. It is not natural with them. It is 
criminal, too, to teach them honesty. They are to 
be praised, though, to pool theirs with the German 
vote, and thereby conspire to keep the Irish in office. 
We may yet have a Mac. Fadden for President. 
Begorra ! 

33. The large cities boast of marvelous beer- 
conservatories, where the masterpieces are so well 
interpreted, that one becomes intoxicated. That is, 
one is full of music and beer. And the singers, — 
how grand they are ! They so play upon one, that 
all one's passions are at work. One laughs hysteri- 
cally; or applauds with his glass; or languishes in 
pain, — or rather lingers in a seductive agony; or 



U. S. COMIX HIS r l RT. 9 

shrivels his face in despair; or is mad, raving mad. 
In ordinary places one gets beery; in others, one 
gets a sausage; but, in these, one gets a praetzel. 
The latter is by far the worst. Because the salt- 
ness of the thing makes one so seasick, that, — "Oh 
my!" — one thinks he's drank hell-fire, — "my, my!" 

34. It is a land of activity. Men hustle, women 
bustle, and children (old and young) cry for pap. 

35. Every state supports its militia and army of 
agents. I recall a lamented book-agent, — (yes, they 
do die,) — whose calling had such a hold upon him, 
that I firmly believe that he is now selling Bibles to 
the gullible inhabitants of hell. Such is his audacity, 
that at this very moment, he may be disposing of a 
"Paradise Lost" to Satan himself. No doubt, he 
sells him the book on Time, as the old Rascal prom- 
ises to live very long. The wicked never die. (A 
jox.) 

36. I had almost forgotten that ours is the coun- 
try of machineries and inventions. Among the 
greatest inventions to be, I may mention mine. But 
before describing it, let me note what suggested its 
origin. 

37. At one time, I was considerably annoyed by 
a persistent collector of a funereal appearance. He 
created the impression of being the herald of Death. 
His corpse was always dressed in black; his skull 
was invariably buried in what seemed to me, a coffin 
with a large crape around it; a fire-eyed skeleton 
served as a scarf-pin ; and it was rumored, that his 
ponderous cane was made of human bones. He had 
a sepulchral voice, a murderous look, a mourning 
face; and his long, bony fingers twitched with a 
grasping tendency. His language was very forci- 
ble. In some instances, when his demands were 



io U. S. COMIK HISTRT. 

unheeded, he emphasized them with a blow, and 
punctuated them with "pay or die." 

38. How to protect myself and a suffering pub- 
lic from such pests? That was the question upper- 
most in my mind. Thinking the matter over and 
over, I finally betrayed an idea. (I am subject to 
these betrayals.) I devised a most ingenious con- 
trivance. But before examining my wonderful in- 
vention, let me lead you to the room reserved for its 
occupancy. The apartment breathed a heavenly 
atmosphere. "Welcome" was the celestial motto. 
The walls and ceiling were alive with sportive cher- 
ubins playing among the bluish undulations and the 
brilliant stars; the windows were odorous with ver- 
dure and beautiful flowers; the luxurious carpet, 
so soft and rich, seemed fit only for an angel's tread ; 
the exquisite tripods emitted delicious perfumes; 
and in the center of the room stood the marvel of 
this Brain. Having everything in readiness, I waited 
behind a screen. The aforesaid herald of Death 
was the first intruder; and entering, he thought him- 
self in paradise. So as to fully enjoy a heavenly 
feeling, he lingered awhile; and smoked his cigaroot. 
He scrutinized closely his surroundings. His stead- 
fast gaze then rested on my curious machine, and 
soon he read the directions: 



To Collectors. 

Stand on the indicated spot; 

Then drop a nickel in the slot. 
As soft music your heart subdues, 

Be prepared to receive your dues. 



He did stand on the platform; he did drop a 
nickel in the slot; he did hear celestial music; he 
did have his neck, his wrists, his calves, tightly 
gripped, and was startled with a demoniac laughter ; 



U. S. COMIK HIS TRY. n 

and he felt his little pancake mercilessly assaulted 
with a huge spanker. Whew! ****** it 
spanked hard, — very hard, — damnably hard, — till 
he was warmly overdone. Ten minutes afterwards, 
— w r hen released, and realizing that the heaven was 
turned to hell, — he shot out the storm door like 
lightning and thunder. I never saw him more. 

39. The practicability and economy of my 
machine ought to recommend it to our merchants. 
It will do away with cashiers and collectors. 

40. The instantaneous freezer is another great 
invention. The first time I saw it in operation, was 
in Borjsen's ice-cream saloon. As I sat at a marble 
table, in rather a frigid mood, the cold hearted pro- 
prietor froze me with : "Vanill, strawbear or chiki- 
late?" Wishing to impress him with the idea that 
I was also a foreigner, I said : "Chikilate mit rrrolls 
und bootter." His two icicles looked at me. "No 
got," replied he sulkily, "only vanill, strawbear or 
chikilate." "Vanill," said I. "How much yards?" 
I showed him my two fingers. Thereupon he turned 
the crank of the freezer rapidly, and, before I knew 
it, he spread out eleven yards of the vanilla cloth on 
the table. I folded my vanilla, and wrapped it in 
tissue paper. When I gave the article to my wife, 
she scolded me for bringing her a piece of wet paper. 

41. Every school boy, though familiar with the 
flag of his country, may yet be ignorant of its ori- 
gin. It happened thuswise. Once upon a time, in 
the revolutionary days, a colonial barber stood at his 
door, and saw a hirsute Britisher pass. Sanguinary 
inspiration seized him. He made a plunge for the 
foreigner; grabbed him by the collar; shoved him in 
his chair; closed his eyes and mouth with soapsuds; 
lathered his face with a toothbrush; handled the 
razor recklessly, (while the culprit's heart crept to 



12 U. S. COMIK HISTRT. 

his mouth, — but fortunately swallowing his saliva, his 
palpitator went down) ; still the executioner clipped 
his hair to the skull, and sandpapered it; dived in 
the sufferer's pockets, and pulled out a sovereign 
for his pains; now jerked him out the chair; then 
kicked him out, and left him on the sidewalk to 
wonder. Pretty close shave, wasn't it? The poor 
victim gazed at the shop, and enjoyed a vision of 
red and white stripes, and of a multitude of stars. 
He afterwards patented his vision, duplicates of 
which were sold everywhere, and recognized as the 
great American flag. Tonsorial artists of our day 
are quite inoffensive. They are civilized. 

42. I may here remark that Carlyle has said: 
"Providence has given to the French the empire of 
the land; to the English that of the sea; to the Ger- 
mans that of the air." To America she has given 
the Sun to shine on the land, the sea and the air. 
It also shines on the organ-grinder and his monkey. 



STRUGGLE III. 

43. Posterity shall never know the funnicisms of 
this paragraph, as the author here meets with an 
accident. He is the victim of mistaken identity. He 
is abducted from his own sanctum; and when re- 
covering his reason, finds himself devouring a 
sumptuous repast at a nickel lunch-house. Upon 
leaving the establishment, he is confronted by the 
proprietor, who begs him to write a testimonial to 
advertise his business. 

44. Let us now resume our fiction. By 1607, 
New England was yet thinly settled by fat, unsettled 
Indian hunters; and, in that same year, the illustri- 
ous founder of Jamestown, Capt. Johnie Smith, was 
made the Grand Mogul of the Virginia colonists. 



U. S. COM1K HIS TRY. 13 

Someday, — some day, — he wandered away from his 
hennery, and was lost in the swamps. Presently, 
some scalp-prowlers spied him. Their eyes waltzed 
in their sockets, as they thought of pale-face fri- 
cassee. Johnie, knowing that familiarity breeds con- 
tempt, shook himself off to a distance. He was 
somewhat nervous. Still the Hast-Fiends of the 
Wilds approached. Unexpectedly, he was struck 
— with ideas. He had recourse to his theorizer ; and 
his sneezer snoze, and his goggles giggled. He 
took out his false teeth, — and they flew back to his 
mouth; he snatched off his wig, — and it flew back 
to his head; he dug out his glass eye, — -and it flew 
back to its haunt; he pulled off his trousers, — and 
they flew away with the wind. (Everything fast- 
ened with india rubbers jlczv back.) Fearing that 
his bilious, revolutionary constitution would next ex- 
plode, the conquered desperadoes flew back to their 
mothers. Smith had robbed them of their appetite. 
The thief then stole into darkness. 

45. Historians mention the existence of Powha- 
tan and his daughter Pocahontas. I am willing to 
ignore them, as I was never introduced to them. 

46. About 1609 Harry Hudson embarked on 
the " Half-Moon," and entered the river since called 
by his name. The natives were perplexed, and 
thought Hudson to be the Manitou himself. The 
steward, who proclaimed himself an angel in dis- 
guise, poured calabashfuls of holy rum in the sav- 
age throats of his earthly miscreants. They saw 
fireworks, — and were considerably tangled up. 

47. Eleven years afterwards we note the land- 
ing of the Pilgrims at Plymouth rock. The Puri- 
tans were built entirely of religious clay. They 
prohibited laughing and joking; encouraged long 
faces; punished the wickedness of humor with death* 



i 4 U. S. COMIK HIS TRY. 

instructed their daughters to wed their enemies as 
a matter of revenge; forbade their wives from 
practicing leap-frog and summersets, or standing on 
their heads ; and everyone was required to have his 
feet of soil cultivated with corn and bunions. 

48. The perusal of his witty eruptions about 
Roger Williams, the Pequod war, John Elliot and 
other prevarications, affects the author's risibles to 
such a pitch of danger, that swoln laughter rends 
his vest to tatters and sends a volley of buttons 
around. — (He struggles with himself.) — Gathering 
what remnants of his delicate frame is left, he skulks 
in a corner, shrinks in his skin, and soliloquizes on 
the folly of fun. Meanwhile, his valuable manu- 
script is being mutilated. He realizes but too late 
its publication in the innards of the household goat, 
—and by him to be issued in literary pellets of — 
what style and quality? 

49. Omitting the romances of King Philip's war 
and Bacon's rebellion, we inevitably stumble on that 
misconception, Billie Penn, the founder of Philadel- 
phia. He was a Quaker. When he spoke with 
his own vocal organs everybody quaked. At the 
age of twelve he was yet a boyt but, subsequently, 
he had the good fortune to elongate into a man, and 
actually outgrew in his breeches. Hence, he is al- 
ways caricatured with homespun reaching to the 
knees only. He is justly famous for his memora- 
ble treaty made with the Delawares. To them he 
said: "I have nothing; you have plenty. I love 
you for that plenty." 

50. No more is repulsive heaven seen pimpled 
with stars, for even now she hides her face within 
a veil. A sooty spirit appears invisibly, and sprin- 
kles o'er the scene a lamp-black hue. The discon- 
tented thunder grumbles as it were in a theatre; 



U. S. COMIX HIS TR T. i 5 

tickled with prongs of lightning, the night winds, 
by fits and starts, are snoring ludicrously; the bull- 
frog, the ass, and numerous other prima-donnas unite 
in a universal charivari; many a tree barks mourn- 
fully, and leaves their autumn tears fall fast. And 
why' all this damage? Because up the banks of the 
Mississippi, not far from Illinois, — 

La Salle is bent on angling; 

So lizard-like crawls up a tree. 

Sits he then with feet a-dangling, 

And throws his line well baited with a flea. 

In this instance, the rhyme exacted the remains 
of a flea, although the friendly bait may have been 
a piece of animated cheese. However, let it be the 
latter. Now, one would evidently infer, that the 
throbbing cheese was crawling away or worming 
about in the watery stream, and bunco-steering the 
gullible fishes. (Such wicked benevolence!) It 
was not so. Without cause or provocation, La 
Salle was of a more philanthropic nature. Up in 
his £ee, — which he climbed of his own free will, — 
he was kindly, unselfishly, disinterestedly, devoted 
to the angling of rats. And hundreds he caught, 
as the innocents were unuccustomed to the civilized 
way of being duped. When he hooked the last of 
the heretics, he turned back his missionary face to 
thank the stars; but, alas! alas! the while, the 
rodent was being devoured all raw by a cat of so 
greedy and so fast a maw. The feline cannibal 
swallowed, and swallowed, and swallowed, till he 
swallowed the hook. Unable to part with the hook, 
he resolved upon committing suicide, and forthwith 
took to the water. Naturally, the hook, and the 
line, and the rod, and the angler followed. Down 
the river they went, — down, down, dowm, until 



i6 ■ U. S. COMIK HIS TRY. 

abruptly, — softly,— quietly, — stockstill, — and whoa ! 
the Gulf of Mexico is discovered. 

51. Our next acquaintance is Billy Kidd, the 
pirate. There, look at the life-size portrait of the 
dead man. Come, salute him with a slow, deliber- 
ate, cold-blooded bow. Observe how live a corpse. 
Think how he went a deadhead to his grave. Also 
calculate the deadweight of the corpse. Wonder 
if his remains were so well preserved, that they 
were embalmed for life. And see, — I feel rather 
peculiar, and very anxious to get home. 

52. While King William's war was at its height, 
New England suffered a strange delusion. This 
was witchcraft. Everybody became afraid of every- 
body, and each of himself. In a moment of forget- 
fulness, an idiot indulged to excess in church-fair 
lemonade, which soon had a powerful influence over 
him. It overpowered him with an internal concus- 
sion of colic, and nicely tied up his whole frame in 
a knot. No doubt he was having a glorious time. 
In this enviable posture, struggling like a hero, he 
was found against the only tree of a solitary country 
road. He twisted like an eel; or like a snail drew 
in his head and limbs, or shot them out; or like the 
sow-bug rolled himself into a pill. Near by, sat a 
ragged torn cat outstaring him with a wild, maniac 
look; from the tree, an old-maid of an owl gazed 
down meditatively; and from the topmost branch, 
a bobtail raven witnessed the silent tragedy beneath 
him with an expression of disgust. In the interval 
came an impulsive wayfarer, who violently shook 
the idiot, and evidently knew not the danger he was 
lisking. An explosion might have occurred at any 
moment. Being thus roughly handled by his tor- 
turer, the unfortunate martyr's face was changed to 
awful contortions. Subsequently, this tormentor 



U. & COMIK HIS TRY. 11 

was an important witness to testify to his being the 
companion of cats, owls and ravens. Consequently, 
this idiot was found guilty of witchcraft, and was 
politely asked to abdicate his head to the execu- 
tioner. 

53. An unprincipled wretch postponed his sui- 
cidal debut, and threw away the fatal drug. In- 
stantly, a guileless hog seized the bottle, labelled 
"remember me," and swallowed the entire con- 
tents. A bottle full of cayenne pepper! Holy 
Moses! how that animal felt. A veritable eruption 
of Vesuvius within him. He kicked like a mule, 
or jumped like a grasshopper in distress ; he blew 
like a porpoise; he rolled his eyes like a mad buf- 
falo; and he fearfully twisted his tail as a sign of 
his agony. To alleviate his suffering a diabolical 
sympathizer filled him, by syringful, with whiskey 
and peppermint. Great heavens! what a fiendish 
deed. The eruption was now at its worst. It was 
hell itself. Hog, hog, hog, I pity thee with thine 
belly full of red-hot cayenne, thine head with 
whiskey, and thine peppermint I know not where. 
His Hoggishness was accused of being possessed 
of the evil spirit. Accordingly, he was duly tried, 
convicted, (although ably defended by a famous at- 
torney,) and executed for witchcraft. 

54. The existence of witchcraft was mainly due 
to the imagination of Cotton Mather. In support 
of it, he debated so warmly, that his ideas were 
finally kindled to such a fever heat, that be expired 
of a cerebral confiagation. 

55. Great Scott! I'm in a quandary how to be- 
gin this chapter. The difficulty lies in my being 
anxious to tell the truth. But hold ! I had quite 
forgotten that speech of mine preserved in the 
phonograph. Listen, as I grind my voice out the 



1 8 U.S. COMIK HIS TRY. 

machine : "John Law, while blowing his Missis- 
sippi scheme bubbles, heard a mysterious voice 
which said, 'Use Moral Pills for Torpid Souls,' — 
take warning, haste to repentance, and, — 'Ask your 
Gospel-dealer for Moral Pills,'— listen to nothing 
but — 'Pills, Pills, Pills.' " This accident is easily 
explained. As I delivered my fiery oration to the 
instrument my colored porter was, at the same time, 
reading furiously and loudly, with a disastrous pro- 
nunciation, the advertisements of a newspaper. 
To see my phonograph so hampered with double 
speeches, provoked me to mumble so forths, so ons 
and et ceteras. I sometimes think I ought to have 
apologized to my inferior for being in his way. 

56. The most eventful affair of the French and 
Indian war was laid out at Quebec. The fort at 
this place was odorous with Frenchmen under 
Montcalm. Meanwhile, the heroic Wolfe with 
eight thousand Englishmen of different nationali- 
ties, was itching to confiscate the Parlez-vous. In 
vain he thought of several plans, till oppressed 
with zig-zags in his head, he fell insensible in the 
arms of Morpheus. Suddenly starting from a tem- 
pestuous dream, he quickly shook swollen sleep 
from off his eyelids; left his dream escape through 
his mouth; bellowed forth an immediate march; 
and in the dead of night the whole army was 
all life. He led his men up a narrow path of a 
rugged cliff, crawling which, they resembled a 
multitude of locusts. By dawn, the indiscreet Eng- 
lish were on the heights. Montcalm received a 
card announcing their intrusion. He was so foam- 
ing mad that he pulled his hair-stumps straight up, 
and did it in a very eccentric manner. The picnic 
was now begun. The generous newcomers treated 
their opposites with persuasive grape-shots. The 



U. S. COMIK HISTRT, 19 

Frenchmen retreated. (Absorb this jox.) In the 
midst of the conflict General Wolf was pepper- 
minted with] a lozenge, which melted in his heart; 
and he sweetly died, unintentionally. Montcalm, 
also, so blundered as to die against his will. 
Tired of this diversion the English concluded not 
to monkey any longer. The day was theirs. Not 
only the day, but the daylight and themselves. 
Hoorooh! 



STRUGGLE IV. 

57. Previous to 1775, the conduct of the mother 
country towards her colonial babe was simply aggra- 
vating; and when the babe grew to be a big boy, he 
became very troublesome, and even showed a spirit 
of rebellion. Naturally the mother offered to spank 
him, but he objected. War was then declared. 

58. The battle of Lexington was the first frolic. 
The patriots had hid their ammunition at Concord, 
a few miles from Boston. The British went there, 
and destroyed the rickety guns and pistols. This 
breach of etiquette so vexed the American militia- 
men, than they forthwith assembled. They har- 
rassed the British on their return to Boston. Post- 
ing themselves behind chicken coops and dog 
kennels, cows and mules, they poured in a heavy 
shower on the retreating British. The exasperated 
women from their houses, hurled jars of preserves, 
ladles, flowerpots, poisoned slippers and everything 
found under the bed. Under such a deadly fire, the 
enemy had to stoop, to dodge, to recoil. If some 
of them had not reached Boston alive, they certainly 
would have been all dead. 

59. Ticonderoga, an important fort on Lake 
Champlain, was garrisoned by British soldiers. 



20 U. S. COMIK HIS TRY. 

Ethan Allen and his Green Mountain accomplices 
captured this fort, and embezzled its occupants, 
who were much displeased with the whole proceed- 
ings. 

60. The day on which Ethan Allen took Ticon- 
deroga, the Continental Congress was in session. 
Among its members were old Tom Jefferson, 
Johnie Adams and myself. I remember it so well 
that it seems but yesterday. It was in 1775, or there- 
abouts. We were exchanging a few words just for 
fun, when the fidgety Johnie rose like a sky-rocket 
from his three-legged stool, and exclaimed, as he 
rolled up his red-flannel sleeves : "Fellow-citizens, 
the whale did swallow Jonah. But Jonah was 
heaved up, as being too tough and indigestible. 
Yet beware, the monster now assumes a more fe- 
rocious shape. That of a lion. But was Daniel 
ever afraid of the lion? No. Are we? Let it not be 
said." He sat down in a lump, rested his elbows 
on his knees, held his injured face in his hands, and 
was soon in a muddled reverie. We looked at 
each other, amazed, confused, helpless, miserable. 
A long, agonizing silence ensued. By and by, the 
champion paralyzed us with another stroke of light- 
ning oratory. " Everybody talks, nobody acts. As 
for me, I cry for action. Give me war, or give 
me — give me — war. Also give me leave to nomi- 
nate our first commander-in-chief, George Wash- 
ington. He stopped abruptly, folded his arms, 
planted his right foot on the stool, and paused for 
an answer. By the time his extemporaneous pos- 
ing became irksome to us, and probably to him, we 
made up our minds to vote unanimously for the 
candidate in question. 

61. Adams' eloquence on this occasion, reminds 
me of the patriotic outburst of Patsy Henry in th 



IX 



£/. S. COM/A HISTRT. 21 

House of Burgesses. I was there too. After 
comparing the English monarch to a big stout boy 
holding (America) a tarantula in his hand, he 
bawled out : " Let tyrants take heed. As any 
dog may have his flea, any man his tape-worm, any 
dude an idea, so George III may feel his tarantu- 
la." O'Brien O'Shaugnessy, a French school- 
master, cried "Treason, treason!" I silenced him 
with a stunner on the head, and he fell — only to 
rise again, to fling me out the window. 

62. In June, 1775, an unpleasantness took place 
at Breed's Hill, and, for that reason, it is known as 
the battle of Bunker Hill. At this place the Amer- 
icans had thrown up a breastwork of soft mud 
without the consent of their foe. The men spat in 
their hands, and worked with their crow-bars and 
burglar tools all night. (I know this to be true. 
Though I was not there, my imagination was.) The 
next day, the British were amazed to see such 
a strong intrenchment. A battle, even at the cost 
of blood, was resolved on. By land, the British 
bull-dogs tantalized the Americans; by sea, the 
British women-of-war powdered the patriots much 
to their annoyance. The steeples of Boston were 
filled with chivalric spectators, who mercilessly 
slaughtered the English with their tongues. When 
the Americans beheld the whites of the enemy's 
eyes, they fired; but when they saw their pupils, 
they became their masters. Yet for a while only, 
for their powder boxes now gave out. They receiv- 
ed the British with clams and damns, with blunder- 
busses and cusses. The ladies, at this momentous 
crisis, deserted their intellectual food, (baked 
beans) to usher to their Bostonian balconies, and 
view the splendid melodrama. However, necessa- 
rily, as a matter of course, there must be a finale to 



22 V. S. COMIK HISTRT. 

all this. The English were victorious, much to 
their surprise. They had to be told so before 
they would believe it. Such incredulous people ! 

63. Among those who participated in the Bun- 
ker Hill pleasantry was General Putnam. Many a 
thrilling adventure had "Old Put and Call." He 
was once captured by a party of Indians. They 
tied him to a tree, piled up fagots around him, and 
before they could set them on fire the maggots ran 
away with the ropes. Then Putnam walked away 
rapidly. He did it through impulse, and not through 
fear. During the winter of 1778-9, he was con- 
fined in a Connecticut boarding house with a muz- 
zle on his mouth. He must have looked like the 
" man with the iron mask," and must have felt ex- 
hausted trying to subdue a recalcitrant stomach. 
He was undoubtedly living on imaginary food, or, 
probably, he was enjoying the pleasures of memory, 
the memory of a past appetite. It happened, though, 
that his beard grew outrageously, and was soon 
coiled around the net-work of his mouth-trellice. 
Seeing this, the landlady for the first time, expe- 
rienced a softening of the heart. She took his 
vizier off, and gave him, — not bread, — but a razor. 
He, quick as a flash, made a plunge for the pantry. 
He only wanted to ascertain whether he had for- 
gotten to masticate. The landlady pursued him, 
collared him, remonstrated with him, and, with dif- 
ficulty, persuaded him to shave before eating. -He 
grabbed the razor reluctantly. Soon he stood be- 
fore the mirror without headgear, without leg- 
hiders and without feet covering. He was simply 
clad in a ruffled shirt. As he was about to cut his 
throat, he heard a noise. It was a body of Eng- 
ligh dragoons. Speedily, his heels instinctively 
carried him to an adjoining studio, Fearing dis- 



U. S. COMIX HISTRT. 23 

covery, he mounted a pedestal, and assumed an 
original attitude. In this same studio lounged a 
pair of blockheads, who, for the moment, were at 
loggerheads. Vexed by the silence of her " nice 
young man," she endeavored to attract his atten- 
tion to the " awful pretty statuaries " around them. 
Suddenly, she gave vent to a startling exclamation. 
There, before them, stood a marvelous statue — 
the creation of a master mind. The genuine flesh 
color was there; every nerve and muscle was dis- 
tinctly marked; and, instead of the ancient fig-leaf, 
a snow-white drapery hung from the shoulders. 
The legs were close together and iron-stiff; the 
front bottom of the drapery projected forward; the 
left hand gripped the chin, and pushed the head a 
a little backward; the eyes and mouth were opened 
wide; and the right hand clumsily held the blood- 
less razor in front the alabaster neck. A splen- 
did posture, — or rather imposture. " See," said 
she, " Despair on the brink of suicide." " Yea," 
grunted the discontented lover, " were it burdened 
with life, even as I, it would overleap the brink." 
No sooner spoke he, than the statue moved. They 
were panic-stricken. She screamed with all her 
might; and he flew with her as he were in a fright; 
and the red-coats were now in sight; and the dis- 
mayed statue took to fight. Gaining the street, 
Putnam jumped on a fiery steed. Perhaps the 
quadruped was put there for the occasion by some 
protecting enchantress. Nevertheless, we must 
not dispute the fact that he was on a steed, — a fiery 
steed. Swift as a bootjack in the air, he went on 
flying, flying, flying; while his savage hair and ex- 
cited shirt-tail floated back, back, back. The Eng- 
lish pursued him closely; and when almost in their 
grasp, he fired a kick at his steed, — his fiery 
steed, — and down a flight of rocky steps shot the 



24 U. S. COMIK HIS TRY. 

two animals, and struck the ground like a bomb. 
Such a perilous descent appalled the dragoons, who 
durst not follow. The hero picked himself up, and 
wiped the prespiration off his face. This done, he 
gazed at his no more fiery steed scattered to tid- 
bits, and wept. With heavy heart he betook him- 
self to a neighboring inn. He knocked, — the host 
appeared, — he begged for refuge. He did not 
know that the place was an undertaker's. The 
grim gentleman no sooner beheld him, than he of- 
fered him a coffin, adding: "Those who denied 
thee bread, may yet give thee a tombstone." This 
recalled the landlady and the meal. He informed 
the too sanguine harvester, that he was not dead 
yet. " I am not in a hurry," was the reply, as he 
gloated over his client; "I shall wait." Something 
prompted our hero to take to his heels. In his 
flight, he was stopped by an intrepid rag picker, 
who robbed him of all he had;— then when free 
again, he madly ran, on, on, on, until he reached a 
clothing store. True he was perfectly safe now; 
but the repast, — oh, where was it? 

64. The above must be the only correct version 
of Putnam's famous ride and adventure. A news- 
paper said so. 

65. It would be humiliating to expose one's 
voluminous knowledge of ignorance concerning 
what is known as the invasion of Canada, the siege 
of Boston and the attack on Charleston. Therefore, 
let us ignore them. (This was written by a friend 
of the author's.) 

66. Apropos of this friend. Walking calico 
was his weak point, though it was questionable if 
his heart was impervious to love. He accosted me 
once, and deliberately proceeded to instruct me on 
his pet idea. He learnt me what a she was. He 



U. S. COMIK HIS TRY. 25 

confounded me by announcing that, a she was an af- 
fliction or a blessing; a tyrant, a companion or a 
slave; an encumbrance or a helpmate. Then to 
better emphasize his remarks, he button-holed me, 
shook his finger in my face, and said, "What is a 
woman?" He had me there. That is precisely 
what I longed to know. Seeing that my face be- 
trayed a stubbornness to comprehension, he took 

advantage of it, and continued: "A woman ." 

I perceived that he had an empty head and a hollow 

voice. "A woman is ." He knew what he 

meant, but I didn't. "A woman is a female ." 

I believed him. As a last effort he released me, 
vibrated his open hand beneath my olfactory, close- 
fisted the other, and fired all his eloquence at me. 
"A woman is a female man." I made my escape. 

67. Two weeks afterwards I had my revenge. 
We met again. He was about to speak, but 
I immediately took the lead, and he had to 
swallow his interrupted words. His only recourse 
was to keep his mouth wide open, and drink in 
every syllable. I knew his weakness, so asked him 
repeatedly and at a rapid rate: "What is a man?" 
He was excited. " What is a man? " He had a dis- 
trust of his fortitude. "What is a man?" His 
features were distorted ; he was in agony. " I'll 
tell you what a man is." He reeled, he staggered, 
he clutched the air, his head was in a whirl. "A 
man is an accident." He fell heavily to the pave- 
ment, and was distributed promiscuously. I felt a 
thrill of delight. 

68. Unable to obtain any redress from the Eng- 
lish parliament, the colonists declared their inde- 
pendence on the fourth of July, 1776. Ever since 
it has always been regarded as a day of joy and 
confusion. Civilization is left behind, and pande- 



26 U. S. COMIK H1STRT. 

monium prevails. The grandmamas once more 
feel youthful, sprightly and giddy; the grandpapaws 
imbibe strange infusions which loosen their old 
ideas, — teach them how to howl, — whilst the St. 
Vitus dance overwhelms their legs; every one's 
poopootz (some say papa) is under an exhilarating 
influence, — sweeps the sidewalk, — and captures the 
town or the jail; the young girls, and even maidens 
of a doubtful age, scramble to excursions, picnics, 
and other calamities and martyrdoms of pleasure; 
the young men, some with their poopoptzes, strag- 
gle in processions, parading obnoxious beavers, 
balancing canes to preserve their equilibrium, — per- 
spiring, — starving, — swearing, — still following the 
infernal band, — and confess they have had a jolly 
time. The incorrigible boy struggles with his fire 
crackers, — and shoots a finger off; or makes a con- 
fectionary of his stomach, — and is rewarded with a 
spontaneous burst of diarrhea; or forces all his lung 
power in a trumpet directed against the wind, — 
and is tornadoed to the earth crushingly; or abuses 
a shrill instrument which he swallows, — and the 
next morning blows his whistle the wrong way. 
Truly, there is nothing to equal a fourth of July. 

69. Even Sambo Kinkyhead has a "hifalutin 
good forf of July," He is hilarious; acts rather 
loosely; swings his arms like a windmill; hiccoughs; 
and is full of oratory and influence. He measures 
the sidewalk as he drags alongs; or sprawls on his 
belly; or is on his back a-kicking as helpless as a 
turtle. Now he is melodious. A street urchin 
takes advantage of this opportunity. As by inspi- 
ration he thrusts a Roman candle in each of Sam- 
bo's hands. Still he is harmonious. Presently the 
candles begin to — shoo-!— and Sambo stupidly 
wonders; then they louder shoo-! — he feels rather 



U. S. COM IK H1STRY. 27 

nervous; pih! — he cries for help; pih! pih! — he 
yells like a madman ; pih ! pih ! pih ! pih ! — he fairly 
writhes in agony, and rolls in the dust. * * * 
He clutches the candles no more. He rises, a res- 
urrected and sobered nigger. 

70. Permit me to digress. On the same evening 
of Sambo's misadventure, his eldest son was toying 
with the heart of Clorinda Brown. He even kissed 
her rub) r lips. There were plenty of them too. If 
she felt bashful, her complexion did not show it. 
He became more and more embarrassed, as he re- 
solved to ask her hand. In fact, he was hot with 
confusion. He bit his finger nails, or crammed his 
mouth with unpopt corn. She looked at him be- 
seechingly. He was hotter •; and he took another 
handful of corn. Her eyes grew larger and her 
mouth opened wider — to gobble flies probably. 
He was more confused than ever, and more corn 
consumed. Finally, he pops the question. Her eyes 
pop out. The old man pops in. The shotgun pops. 
The lover pops out. And he is so hottest now, that 
he suffers of an explosion of popcorn within. 

71. Here is a certain hoosier's account of the 
celebration in his town: "Wall, I rekollects a par- 
tikoolar July fort mass-meeting what came off a 
few miles and feetzes frum our depot, and whar a 
gorjusly flat-kear war the git up for a platfoorm. 
Twar night, — somwhar near 8. The hole darned 
village war thar. Thar war sich bootiful colored 
rags, glareous bonfires and extravaganjus lantoorns 
beseeming like exceltricity lightes. I reads the 
prorogram. Firstly, the moosic gits off a patriootic 
toon; sagondly, a lectooror of the night has his be- 
speak, and flings gestoors according; tirdly, an- 
uther toon, (the hartless moosicianors operate too 
vilently on that air toon, and consequentially a ow- 



28 U. S. COMIK H1STRT. 

trajus nois deloods my perlite ears, and oxcites the 
tramboon man. Tinks I, that air tramboonist is a 
hidjus monster.) — ; fortly, the deakon shows his 
illoominated face, and his silvry vois and ruby lips 
spakle wiv prais of the leetle hatchit and the tree; 
fifly, the Band exasperates tharinstrooments; sixly, 
a constallashon of lectoorors. — I heerd them all, you 
bet. The last lectooror war immense. That's 
what, — immense. Thar, I hears him agin. He 
projooces a impreshon. He indooces the wimins 
buzzum to kerflop wiv emoshon, the old hickory 
nuts to whoop like Injuns, and the young acorns to 
applause vociferusly. That's what — immense. 
Heerd me? — immense. Pooty quick that Band 
works out a tremenjus toon to welcome his depar- 
toor, while old Zeb he soopervisions them pyrootek- 
nics. The pooblic knowd now the meeting war 
broke up; but jist then, Timpkins he gits up on 
that air platfoorm, and says he : "Feller-citizens" — 
(Sees I the kids wiv thar backs agin the platfoorm. 
Thinks I the platfoorm creeps.) Wall, as I war a- 
telling yous, says he: "Feller-citizens, all the lec- 
toorors — what bespoke — -proovus to me — (Sees I 
by his wild gestoors and outrajus hopping, how he 
is sommat in licker. Tinks I he's got them kinky 
shoots, — which air a kinder sort of loonatics.) 
Wall, says he : "Feller-citizens, all the lectoorors 
what bespoke proovus to me, air liars,— infarnal liars. 
(Sees I the kids wiv thar paws agin the platfoorm. 
Tinks I the platfoorm moves.) Wall, says he: "I 
hates liars, I does. I is a Demookrats, I is." (Sees I 
the platfoorm a-pulling the kids along. Tinks I 
the platfoorm is a-rolling.) Wall, says he: "Dem- 
ookrats air a-going" — (I obsarves as how he is a 
outgoing polootishon. Pitooing trends soothes me 
wiv a larf. They doz always when I'm in a lit of 



U. S. COM1K H1STRT. 29 

pecoolar joxes.) Says he, as a repeat; "Demoo- 
krats air a going — "(He is a going too; — also the 
platfoorm;- — also the kids. The moosic rages foor- 
iusly; the peples larfs insaniusly; while he spoots 
like a whale; joomps like a infoorated; gestoors like 
a maniax; and is speechifying pooty fast and dred- 
ful, but nobody heers him on account of the tumul- 
tuosity. Still he, and the platfoorm, and the kids 
air a-going — fast, — faster, — fastest, — until they hits 
the woods and disappears. And the last ting seed 
war the illoomnashon and a violent gestooring.) 
Wall, as I war a-telling you afore, Timpkins got 
dem kinkyshoots. That's what, — kinkyshoots. 
Heerd me? — kinkyshoots." 

72, Mine hoosier's face looked so benevolent, 
that I intended taking advantage of it, and was 
meditating how to approach him for a loan, without 
hurting my feelings or throwing him into convul- 
sions. Imagine my disgust, when he said :" Wall, 
you've 'heerd my story. Don't you tinks I feels 
sorter dry. That's what — dry. Doz yer antici- 
pate me? Wall, yer sports pooty clothes and I 
guesses yer has a few. Come, give us a quarter; 
one of them old, old pieces that's unhandy to keer 
for. Doz absorb my meaning?" I gave him a one 
cent postage stamp. 

73. On Christmas night, 1776, Washington re- 
solved to cross the Delaware and surprise 1,500 
Hessians, and a troop of British mule stationed at 
Trenton. Night donned his funeral garb, the stars 
were entangled in a cloud of cobwebs, and the air 
was refrigerated. The river was full of a particu- 
lar ice, I conjecture, whose cold prespiration 
emitted chill vapors that froze the hearts of the 
soldiers into snowballs, their beards into icicles, and 
their limbs into a heavy numbness. The corporal 



3 o U.S.C OM1K HIS 77? T. 

thought of his happy home, and his snowball 
melted; while each eye gave birth to a frozen tear, 
not unlike two milk-white glittering beads. Still 
onward sped the boats. Reaching the opposite 
shore, Washington uttered a single word and his 
men completely dumfounded the Hessians, who at 
once threw down their arms and legs. 

74. At Princeton, the British were hotly re- 
buked for their rashness, and summarily repulsed. 
This was due to the presence of the Americans, 
who longed to see some blood flow. And it flewd. 

75. In the meantime, Ben Franklin had induced 
France to aid the American cause; and also won the 
enthusiasm of the young Marquis de La Fayette, 
who voluntarily offered his services. Upon his ar- 
rival in America, La Fayette was warmly greeted^ 
by the great commander-in-chief, to whom he said :' 
"Genrawl Vashington, I come to fight ze red-coats. 
I no fool with zem, you see me. They make no 
laugh of me, for I kill zem dead, — very dead, — and 
they no speak no more. If one red-coat say I no 
do dat,I do just so, — and bim! he fall, — also dead, — 
like one man what is kill. No, no, I have fright of 
no man, provide he be one cowhard. And if one 
cowhard is afraid of me, I make bloodshed of him. 
In one swipe : — like zis, Genrawl, like zis. 

76. Somewhere in 1777, a powerful English 
army followed by General Burgoyne, invaded the 
State of New York. Burgoyne was victorious ev- 
erywhere till he met the rebels at Stillwater. He 
had come to conquer, but remained to surrender. 
This was gladsome news to the Americans. It 
was a big lump of joy in their cup of sorrow. 

77. Ben Franklin, I believe, was a remarkable 
man and philosopher in his day. His intellect was 
a work of art. His smartness was due chiefly to 



U. S. COM1K H1STRT. 31 

his diet. He indulged to excess in gruel, black 
coffee and doughnuts, and kindred dissipations. 
That's why he ought to have died of the gout, I 
think. Some of his writings proves him to be a 
great author of other men's thoughts. He was also 
an experimenter, so I heard. He experimented 
once with a kite made with his wife's silk stock- 
ings, which went up to the clouds to offend the an- 
gels' scent. As the kite toyed with the lightning, 
the philosopher received a shock, — his specs fell 
and his mammoth hat blew away; another shock, — 
he jumped with delight; still another shock— he 
passed the thread of sensation to his son's grasp, 
and that bov was convoluted; three successive 
shocks, — Ben's heart fluctuated, and he held the 
spool with his two hands; a final, terrible, fatal 
shock, — and he fell abruptly on his tender part. 
From this experience originated a plague,— the 
lightning rod. 

78. In the icy months of 1777-8, Washington 
coraled his men in winter quarters at Valley Forge. 
They lived immensely in the luxury of heatless 
and plentiless. They were rich in rags. The ma- 
jority of them durst not move out of their huts for 
shame of exhibiting their dubious undergarments, 
— the only clothes they could borrow. To enjoy 
a warm sleep, they packed themselves tightly to- 
gether like a lot of blood-frozen cats. Food was a 
thing of the imagination, and dyspepsia merely a 
dream. Many had to suck icicles for want of 
stronger stimulants. 

79. Paul Jones had the honor of hoisting the first 
flag that ever floated over an American man-of-war. 
It was a yellow bandana, and bore the device of a boy 
crammed with bitter sweets that worked him with 
internal injuries, with the words: "Don't parego- 



32 U. S. COM1K H1STRY. 

ric me." Jones' very name was a terror to the ene- 
my. He would surprise them at most unexpected 
points. In that respect he was pretty much like a 
flea. He was felt, but was hard to catch. 

80. Dawn was just down. The garden was 
not a wild. It was a wilderness. The big bug 
sauntered on the only potatoe vine, the snail wrote 
his mark on the leaves, and the lizard tried his hand 
at a solitary trunk. The mosquito rehearsed his 
repertory; the grasshopper went hip-pe-te-hop, and 
his accordeon chest let loose a wail of discord; the 
frog intimated " grog, grog ;" and the cricket gave 
forth his chirrupings. But the central attraction 
was the human presence of a man. His character 
was spurious, as you shall see. He was in his 
night-gown. He was not feetless nor headless, as 
these were visible ; but they were bare, I presume, 
as they were devoid of covering. Tired of stand- 
ing on his own responsibility, he chose a stump, and 
sat on his dignity. He then spoke, but not in his 
sleeves; — he had none. There was a certain tremor 
in his voice, probably because he was dewy. His 
cocked ears gathered uncongenial sounds; his dis- 
tended nose absorbed the maladorous perspiration 
of the earth; his pinched mouth restrained his 
breath; and his optics stared wildly at a yawning 
toad. Thoughts ran riotous in his head : he thunk. 
He was there to meet an appointment. Presently 
came the expected. They forthwith dicussed a lit- 
tle scheme of their own, by which the patriots were 
to be annihilated. The sequel though, was, that 
the former was bought and the latter was caught. 

81. Perhaps the preceeding chapter needs a 
finish. I will explain. The man in the night-gown 
was Benedict Arnold; the other conspirator was 



U. S. COM1K H1STRT. 33 

Major Andre. The former was not a Britisher; 
the latter was not an American. 

82. The decisive blow was struck at York- 
town. The British were besieged. Count de 
Grasse with his French fleet prevented their seek- 
ing a watery grave; and Washington prevented 
their piercing through the landscape. The Amer- 
icans day and night sent them very warm congrat- 
ulations. But, I suppose, they did not appreciate 
the compliment. Still the British General Corn- 
wallis stood the racket for three weeks. At last, 
rinding that he could not persuade the enemy to 
desist, he offered to surrender. This was on the 
19th of October, 1781. 

83. War being terminated, Congress adopted 
a strong and healthy Constitution ; and subsequently 
elected George Washington as the first President 
of the United States. He took the oath of office 
on the 30th of April, 1789. 

AGONY. 

84. George Washington was born at a very 
early age, which fact I will not conceal. His birth, 
it is claimed, was with the full knowledge and con- 
sent of his parents. It is stated on good authority 
that he sprung from his own ancestors. His father 
was St. Augustine Washington, who was a perfect 
triplicate of his grandfather; and his mother was of 
the female persuasion. At school he never rolled 
dice — in the presence of his teacher; he never 
swore — to any extent; he never told a lie— because 
never caught: and he never was wicked — as he 
was taught that virtue was so lucrative. Conse- 
quently he grew into a man bloated with goodness. 

85. Of his military career the reader is well 
acquainted with. Yet, I may remark, had Wash- 



34 U. S. COM IK H1STR7. 

ington been vanquished he might have been called 
a traitor and a rebel; but being victorious he looms 
as a hero. 

86. Washington occasionally took it pure. He 
would frequently steal into Lafayette's room and 
abuse his friend's cognac. On a certain evening 
he crept in as usual; grasped the tempting bottle 
from the mantlepiece; gazed at it admiringly; 
smacked his lips like a connoisseur; and drank the 
whole contents at a gulp. Great hell! what a tor- 
ture. (He knew not that he had drank alkali.) 
Hell, hell! — He faintly remembered a warning to 
poison him. He shrieks like a demon; jumps mad- 
ly about; attempts to, but does not, pull his hair; and 
his orbs wildly roll with agony. Suddenly his 
eyes shoot out like a dragon's, as he stares in a 
certain direction. (He ignores there being a con- 
cave mirror.) His fearful face now wrinkles to in- 
describable horror; while simultaneously, the glassy 
spectre grins with a hellish hideousness. "There, 
there," screams the dauntless Georgie, in despair, 
"there stands the monster who assassinates me 
with poison. Help, help!" He faints; two hours 
elapse; he wakes; he sees the looking-glass and 
his ludicrous self, — his own assassin; he feels hu- 
militated. 

87. Having struggled so, till reaching the 
Agony point, the Author's vital spark, as a Comic 
Histryorian, is blown out by the 

Final Agony. 



